Alone

So a lot’s been going on lately. A lot of good things and a lot of bad things. It’s been a whirlwind of sorts and while I would like to blog about everything that’s going on, I don’t really have the energy to do that tonight and go into every minute detail. So what I will talk about is something that I will deal with for the next few weeks.

Being alone.

I’m not technically going to be totally alone the next few weeks, but it sure will feel like it. I have an important mission that I will be doing for the next few weeks and for that I will need to focus all my efforts into it. With that being said, I do feel presently that there is a disconnect between me and the outside world right now. While my family, friends and fiance are around and the rest of the world is out and about doing its thing, I feel wrapped inside my own bubble, waiting for my time and hoping to accomplish what it is I have set out to do.

I don’t want to divulge anything about the mission at the moment, but I do want to express my feelings about this disconnect I am having with myself and everything around me.

This “bubble” is certainly self-made, for my own protection. I feel like a few incidents that have happened to me recently have led me to this. The mission that I am about to embark on is one of them. On the other hand, I have dealt with other people and their somewhat annoying habits that have ended up hurting me a bit. It all seems like the people I interact with do not care about what I am doing too much and end up seemingly fading away slowly from my life. It can start off as a short talk ending in, “See you later” and never hearing from that person in the next two months. It can start as a “I’ll talk to you next week,” with the end result being that person not being able to keep their promise. This all happens while I try to keep these people as a priority in my life. But then begs the question, is it worth it for me to do that, when it is starting to become obvious that I am not a priority in theirs?

We all talk about being “busy” all the time, as if it is something to be proud of. There seems to be a hierarchy of “busy-ness” in people’s lives. People are always trying to compete with each other in terms of how “busy” they are with the different activities in their lives and how their “busy-ness” is an excuse to blow off other people and activities. C’mon. Everyone is “busy” with their lives. But don’t act like that puts you on a pedestal above everyone else. Would you be proud to be too “busy” to hang out with your best friend once every couple of months? Too proud to be too “busy” to not talk to your significant other for two weeks or more? Or too proud to be too “busy” to converse with your family about what’s going on in their lives every once in awhile?

The above are just examples, but you get the idea. You’re “busy”. I got it.

Thing is, after awhile things get tiring. You start feeling the urge to not try anymore. To not try inviting these people out or not try talking to them anymore because you know you’ll get the same old, tired answer: “Sorry, I’m too busy with [insert anything here]”. It gets annoying. It gets frustrating. And yes, it does make one question why they have made you a priority in their life in the first place.

I guess it’s time to “trim the fat” as some may say. And I guess that’s why I’ve put myself in this bubble and dedicated myself to this one goal of mine. I guess what I am doing is combating “busy” with “busy”. I’m taking the next few weeks to reevaluate my relationship with those around me, my aspirations and how I will go about getting what I need and/or want. By the end of the next few weeks I think I will have a better grasp of what “fat” needs to be trimmed and maybe by that time I will find a way to surround myself with people and things that support me than put me on the side.

Remember that being “busy” doesn’t necessarily make you a better person. If you use that as a sense of pride and accomplishment, try to take a step back and see the larger picture. Are there loved ones that you’ve neglected because of your behavior? Do you have a sense that you are “better” than most people because you don’t have time to talk to them about anything?

Next time that you think that way, take a look around. Your “busy-ness” may look good to you and give you the self-confidence that you need. But when you realize you’re on that high platform alone with no one else around you, you may think that this feeling isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.