Ever feel trapped in something and feel like you can’t get out of it? Ever feel like you’re regressing and falling into old ways of life that you thought you left a very long time ago? Ever feel like you just want to get out in the world, be independent, and live the way you want to?
I’m sure if you’re reading this, many of you do. I sit here, in my non air conditioned room on this warm, warm night contemplating all of those questions and more. Why? Because it’s something that I think people like me deal with everyday. If you had to describe me and take a snapshot of my life as it is now here’s how I would picture it: A recent Ivy-league college graduate aching to get into the world and start working towards a graduate degree towards some professional work. However, he is stuck at home working and studying more than he ever thought he would to just do more applications and take more tests so that some school will take him. While this isn’t frustrating enough he lives at home and deals with his parents and the rest of the family and while he loves them all to death (and he really does) he feels trapped, like a mouse in a cage, just hoping to break out and do his own thing. Living under another set of rules and responsibilities that come with living with the family is something that he is not used to and is probably not something he wants to get used to in the near future. The more he lives at home the more he knows that he needs to leave. He wants his own place–a place he knows he can call his own. A place where he can work in peace, relax in peace, cook in peace and even throw an occasional get-together every once in awhile where he knows that his parents and family will not be monitoring it at all times.
It sounds and looks like the life of a bachelor. One thing though–he’s not single. And quite happy that he’s not single. Now although I could easily be one of those suave, slick, witty and sarcastic suits who would roam around parties, clubs and bars trying to catch a chance at a girl I am happy to say that I not only have one, but have one that is really into me. And trust me, the feeling is mutual. And plus, I’m not the type of guy to hit on girls every night just to end up with a one-night stand and a crumpled napkin with a telephone number on it.
I just feel trapped at home. But not trapped in my relationship. At home while I do get free food and shelter and even a small room of my own it doesn’t seem enough for me anymore. While that may have been something I had always had since I am young (and while some of you may think that I’m taking some of this for granted) I am not really content with it anymore. I just want to get out into the world, live on my own, and just live my own life in general. I mean, technically I’ve been living at home for the last 21 years, but I really only consider it 16 years because of the time I’ve been away at college. And it’s precisely that time away from college plus the dorms, the apartment buildings and the freedom that I had to do what I wanted whenever I wanted that make me think about my situation now.
But then again I really shouldn’t complaining. I’ve only been at home now for a month and I’m already thinking this way. I guess I was just hoping that I wouldn’t be thinking about this and ranting about it so soon. I guess I was spoiled at Cornell. I am grateful to my parents and what they have provided me–I really am. But having my own apartment, living the way I wanted, doing whatever I needed to do and running errands on my own was just nice. Plus, I had privacy–and I mean for a guy like me that just means a lot. I had always liked doing things on my own because that’s just the way I was. I worked alone, I ate alone and heck–I even went to movie theaters alone. But even now more than ever, especially since I have a girl that means a lot to me, it would just be nice to have a place where we could just relax and hang out. No parents, no rules, nothing that could possibly ruin any time we had together. And that would probably make things not only a lot easier for my parents and the rest of my family, but would also make me a lot happier.
I just feel that right now I’m running around with a set of eyes tracking me every moment of every day, and while I never really cared back then when I was in high school, now that I’m out of school it just bothers me a lot. And now a lot of this is starting to come back to me and agitate me. A lot of little things now agitate me because I feel like I’m choking. I mean, I just got off the phone with my girlfriend (because we talk every night) and although she usually makes me calm down and happy I have to say that I’m still a little agitated. Agitated that we didn’t talk as long as we usually did. Agitated that I could very well be spending my 22nd birthday alone in a place I’m not totally familiar with. Agitated that I’m suddenly finding less and less to say. And what agitates me the most about all of this is that I’m being agitated about things I would not normally be agitated about. I mean my typical self would just let all of this be brushed off his shoulder but instead it’s all sticking to him like glue and won’t come off. I mean I’m writing in this blog, and I usually don’t touch this blog unless I have something important to say or have something to get off my chest.
So those of you who have read my rant, I hope you understand. But even if some of you aren’t reading this, I know that there are a lot of people out there like me who just wished that things like independence and freedom would come naturally. But then again, I’m smart enough to know that it’s not that easy. I guess I just needed somebody to tell.