God, parents can really make you feel lousy, especially at the worst times. Sometimes I believe that it happens too often to be considered real, but then again I wouldn’t feel this frustrated if it wasn’t.
After talking to a couple of friends about my problems at home and the dynamics of power that I’m currently fighting with I have found out something. There’s a correlation between my frustration and the frustration of other young adults in their households. It seems that all of this anxiety and angst is coming from our mothers.
Now don’t get me wrong, my friends and I love our family (including our mothers) to death, but the amount of trouble they’ve been putting us into is just too much for words to describe at this point. It seems that there is this ongoing trend of mothers driving their sons and daughters nuts and up the wall, for no logical and initially apparent reason.
Here’s an example of what I mean. As I study for the GREs as I ask my mother if I could get a ride to the testing center somehow our conversation gets turned over into what I’ll be doing Wednesday and Thursday. When I tell her that I don’t really have much to do on Wednesday and Thursday I automatically get reprimanded for not bringing my relatives from California (who are currently staying with us and on vacation in NY) out and showing them around. Now mind you that they’ve been here for over a week now and my parents and brother have taken the time to show them around NYC already. And from what I can tell from my brother Jason’s excursion with them through the city, they’ve pretty much hit up all of the places that I would have brought them to already. Now my mom goes on and tells me that I don’t have enough time to show them around and that I’ve been spending time doing nothing.
NOTHING?! Are you fu*king kidding me?! DO YOU NOT SEE ME STUDYING MY BRAINS OUT AT NIGHT WHEN YOU ARE ALL ASLEEP? DO YOU NOT FIND MY GRE BOOKS LYING ON THE KITCHEN TABLE EVERY MORNING WHEN YOU WAKE UP WITH MY GLASSES AND MULTIPLE CAFFEINE BOOSTERS TO KEEP ME UP? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT I’M TAKING THIS FOR GRANTED?!!
Goddamnit, sometimes I feel like punching out a wall. And when I tell them that I’ll probably be leaving late on Thursday night to go to my girlfriend’s house to stay over before we leave early the next day on our Boston trip (oh, and to clarify, my girlfriend and I are taking a 4-day, 3-night trip to Boston to take a little vacation for her birthday) she goes ballistic and tells me that I’m focusing too much on her. I don’t even get to see my girlfriend often. Maybe once every two weeks if I’m lucky. And mind you, I told her about this trip more than a month ago. And she goes crazy NOW, freakin’ 5 days before our fu*king trip. And I hate it that she drags my girlfriend into this when she has nothing to do with it. My mom goes on a rant about how I focus too much on her and keep seeing her and that I don’t keep my responsibilities in check with helping my dad’s clinic and helping out at the NYC Veterinary Specialists Center where I’m currently interning at. And she keeps complaining about I’ve been making my own schedule at the Veterinary Specialists and that I’ll be missing a week off of work and how that won’t fare well for any person writing a recommendation for me over there. I think in the back of my head, “Wow, she really doesn’t know how things work down there and she’s already assuming that hell is going to freeze over if I don’t help out.” Bullsh*t.
First of all, I’m on very good terms with the doctors and technicians that work there on the surgery teams that I work with. Second, I’ve already explained to them that I’ll be taking the GREs and that I’ll probably be only able to work next Wednesday and Thursday since Thursday evening I’ll be leaving on a little trip with my girlfriend (at which my mom scoffed at). I offer to take my relatives out Wednesday at some point to some places before I head to work but she says that my father is off Wednesday and that it wouldn’t matter. So I propose taking them out Thursday before I head to work and she says that it isn’t enough time. Alright then, well what if I took off on Thursday and told NYC Veterinary Specialists that I wouldn’t be coming in so I could take them out for the entire day before I leave. Of course my mom thinks that it’s a bad idea because then it seems I’ll be shirking off my responsibilities at the clinic. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I’ve already told NYCVS that I’ll be taking a trip at the end of this week so I wouldn’t be able to work 3 days and probably only 1 or 2. I’m not even getting paid at NYCVS and I only help out when they really need my help. And also, I really try to be accommodating to my mother and my family (who I love deeply) but I really do feel stressed out when my mother reprimands me for things like this. And at this she gets mad at. She complains that I won’t be able to help out at my dad’s clinic on Monday since I’ll be returning Monday evening. Well guess what mom? My dad is not going to suffer without me during my 3-hour shift in the morning, and besides, once again, I TOLD YOU ABOUT ALL OF THIS MORE THAN A MONTH AGO… Crap, either you really don’t listen to me or you are already losing your memory… geez.
As the argument finally toned down I just had to walk away. I couldn’t believe that I was actually putting up with all of this crap and it’s sad that someone that is very close to me had to be brought into a conversation that had nothing to do with her at all. It makes me sad that my mother thinks I’m going to ruin my life by making irresponsible decisions. She makes me feel worthless and not important. Of course I feel a little guilty writing all of this about her, and although I do try to show my displeasure with how she’s been treating me and handling things regarding everything about me this is probably the only way I can fully get my anger out. (Besides, no matter what I say or how logical MY argument is… well, she’s God, and there’s no way you can refute her because she’s your mom).
This is all very unfortunate. But for goodness sakes, please get your head out of the gutter and listen to me for once mom. It never seems like you do anymore and that everything I do is never enough. I really try my best to make you happy but if you yell at me for everything that doesn’t go your way (without leaving me even a chance of rebuttal), I don’t know what to do with you anymore.
I just wish I had my own place… away from home. I mean freakin’-A… I don’t even have my own room anymore. It’s half filled with my parents’ business files and half of my closet is filled with their clothes. I can’t even move them anywhere because they won’t allow me to. My room isn’t my own room anymore. And it seems like my life isn’t mine either. I guess this is why I always feel better when I go away from here. I don’t have to deal with people putting me down or have to deal with people intruding on my space and filling it with their junk.
This is the lowest I’ve felt about everything in awhile. I just feel so tired dealing with family members who don’t listen and most importantly, who don’t understand. I’m just sick of it all.