…I reflect on all that’s been going on around me. As I lie here in my room this Sunday morning just staring up at the blank ceiling I can’t help but feel an emptiness inside of me. Something that I can’t explain right away.
So I go on re-evaluating everything in my life. The situation I’m in currently with my jobs and application process… the relationships I have with everyone, including my family, friends, relatives, bosses, co-workers, etc… basically everything that I can think of just so I can get a sense of what seems to be tying me down. If there is even anything at all.
You see, for the past two days I haven’t felt like myself. I’ve felt that people have been taking advantage of me–that people don’t seem to understand even though you expect them to because they’re your closest friends and/or significant others. Like I’ve been taken for granted these past few weeks. And right now I’m sick of it all. I’m sick of the jobs and relationships that seem to be holding me down somewhat, and sick of the way people have come to treat me. I honestly feel sometimes that some of the people around me either (1) don’t think of me too highly, (2) don’t seem to get why I’m disgruntled and upset even though they should have a pretty damn clear picture in their heads of why that is and essentially (3) don’t understand that the way things are now is the result of things being unbalanced.
I go to work everyday and I talk to my friends, family and relatives often but it always seems that I’m constantly being held to this rigorous standard in which I will always have to put myself out there to satisfy their wants. And while this is all fine and dandy sometimes (because in a sense I do have an obligation to fulfill these standards to try and make them happy) it is all just too much to handle sometimes. What I feel mostly now is that I’m the one doing all of the work and putting in all the effort. I make up all the plans, I do the traveling back and forth to places to visit these people and I do my best to make sure that even when I’m not there that I’m thinking of them and that hopefully we would be able to get to see each other soon. I mean I love my friends, family and relatives to death (I really do) but sometimes all of the things I do for them doesn’t seem to balance out with what I get in return. That may sound a little selfish, but I like to think that if I’m willing to go through all of this trouble to make these people happy, I should at least get some compensation back. I’m not even asking for full compensation, but what I’m getting now is closer to nothing than it is to anything substantial.
For example, I find myself on the phone constantly with friends coordinating plans and talking about various things. But all of a sudden plans that seem to be set in stone fall apart last minute and conversations that seem to be running smoothly turn awkward and somewhat unpleasant after awhile. And while I do realize that things like that do happen sometimes, it leaves me questioning the validity of the relationship between me and that other person. It also leaves me wondering if they really value and understand me as much I do them.
So consequently I’ve been in kind of a “blah” mood. I feel groggy, tired and somewhat complacent since I just don’t want to care about it anymore, even though it is really bugging me. The next few weeks are going to be hellish with me finally taking the GREs and working throughout the coming days, but I have to hope that somewhere down the line things will get better.
And they should get better.
No, they will get better.